When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives Hardcover Author: Visit Amazon's Jane Adams Page | Language: English | ISBN:
0743232801 | Format: PDF, EPUB
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So your adored son is nearing 30--or past it already--and still living at home, unable to hold onto a McJob for longer than six months running, relying on you to feed him and make his car payments. Your beautiful, brainy daughter is anorexic, or addicted to drugs, or unwilling to leave the man who hits her. Increasing numbers of baby boomers are finding that their grown children have fallen far short of their expectations. These parents are confused, angry, guilt-ridden, and ashamed. Jane Adams’s
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us is for them. She reveals the kinds of disappointments that other parents are facing: kids who are unable or unwilling to support themselves, kids who are addicts or convicts, kids who’ve joined cults or seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. She stresses that these are real problems--but that they aren’t the parents’ problems. Adams reassures parents that they’ve done their jobs and that they don’t have to spend the rest of their lives picking up the pieces for their grown children, emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Continuing to prop up kids who’ve repeatedly fallen on their own teaches them nothing; it’s just a temporary fix. Beyond offering sympathy, reassurance, and wisdom, the book doesn’t lay out a plan for solving anyone’s problems, but reading it may help disappointed parents shuck some of their guilt and shame, gather the courage to take back their own lives, and let their grown children fend for themselves.
--Jennifer LindsayAbout the Author
Jane Adams, Ph.D., has been chronicling the lives of American families for over two decades in ten books and numerous columns, articles, and essays. A graduate of Smith College, she has an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology. She completed psychodynamic psychotherapy training at the Seattle Institute of Psychoanalysis and has studied at the Washington (D.C.) Psychoanalytic Foundation. A founding editor of the
Seattle Weekly, she has appeared on network radio and TV and lectures widely. She lives in New York and Seattle.
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- Hardcover: 224 pages
- Publisher: Free Press (May 27, 2003)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0743232801
- ISBN-13: 978-0743232807
- Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 6.4 x 0.8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 12.3 ounces
I gave this book five stars because Adams offers a clear message on a vital topic that deserves more attention.
I know at least three women who have entered therapy because they can't handle their grown children. One college graduate won't leave home or get a job. Another has been on drugs and a third was diagnosed as mentally ill. When I say, "Can't you just detach?" they say, "You have no kids -- just a dog. It's harder than you think."
So I was happy to read the same message from Jane Adams, a social psychologist who's an expert. Take care of yourself, she urges parents. Set limits. We can only save ourselves.
Parents who do too much are pleasing themselves, not the children. Their addiction, says Adams, is to the belief that anything can be fixed. In reality, "Parenthood is one long exercise in relinquishing control -- or the illusion that we ever had it. Postparenthood is about acceptance."
Not all acceptance is about criminal activity or mental illness. Adams should be commended for recognizing that sometimes there's nothing to be shocked about. Most cults, she says, are fairly harmless, and sexual orientation is not a choice. Don't waste time trying to force changes.
The style and structure of the book resemble an informal support group. Adams's style uses a lot of "We" sentences: "As parents, we..." After awhile, I found myself irritated, especially when I read something alone the lines of,. "As we get older, we are willing to accept lower-paying, less competitive jobs..." Who's this "we?" I certainly do not fit this pattern, nor do my contemporary-age friends.
You'll find many stories from real parents with out-of-control adult children. While they held my attention, I kept waiting for more commentary. We (see, I'm doing it now!
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